No chap really wants to look at Renée Zellweger, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Meg Ryan for ninety minutes unless they’re featured in a desperate, career-saving centrefold spread in a naughty magazine. There may be times, however, when your wife/girl friend/partner suggests seeing one of them in their latest film, you are then obliged to tag along; normally as punishment for something you can’t remember doing (or not doing). There are ways, though, to avoid the arse-numbing misery of suffering through another interminable chick flick.
First of all, do whatever you can to convince your wife/girl friend/partner to either rent the film or watch it on-line. Do not go to the cinema. Tell her you’d rather stay in, have a take away of her choice, and snuggle up on the sofa together. No man wants to be seen in public awaiting his own torture, let alone with the knowledge that he overpaid for the privilege.
If she demands that you go out to the cinema, under no circumstances can you separate from her. Do not let her leave you alone in the ticket line or the queue for refreshments, and most importantly of all, remain together when entering the cinema. There’s no more pitiful sight than a plaintive husband, clutching a tub of extra-large popcorn and balancing a couple of bucket size drinks, calling out in search of his wife in the cavernous surrounds of a Multiplex cinema.
Whether you go out or stay in, there’s no rule that says you have to watch the film the way it was meant to be watched. So I would like to offer a cunning little way to get through any chick flick on your terms, and maybe even make a little money in the process.
Some years ago whilst still playing cricket, albeit at an arthritic level, some team mates and I came up with our version of a “Test match Special” This involved watching a test match with a number of true-false questions about who would win the coin toss, which car company would have the first commercial, and who would score the first boundary etc etc.
So why not apply your version of the Test Match special to chick flicks? If you know some of your friends are going to be dragged to the cinema as well, then collect a few quid from everyone, get their answers to the following questions before arriving, and it’s winner take all:
There will be a voiceover during a kiss. T/F
There will be a semi graphic depiction of childbirth. T/F
The villain once shagged one of the lead characters. T/F
The main chick will have at least one phone conversation with her mother. T/F
A female character will comment on the leading man’s arse. T/F
The chest in the obligatory naked male chest scene will be hairless. T/F
The nauseating child who befriends the leading couple is a boy. T/F
There will be a sex scene in the kitchen. T/F
The main man shares his true feelings with the main chick’s best friend. T/F
The soundtrack will feature either Sheryl Crow, Avril Lavigne, or Beyonce. T/F
The main man compares his new love to one of God`s creations e.g. her scent reminds him of a dew covered flower in the morning. T/F
There will be an edge of your seat – will he get to her before she boards the plane/bus/train climax T/F